We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
