i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
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