my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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