I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
