I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
