And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
