Your face is a jimmy john
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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