Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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