and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
