Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
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