When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
