my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
