also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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