Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
