Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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