We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
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