Don't you send me to vm
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
