my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Randomize
