Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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