one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize