My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
