saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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