She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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