singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
