somebody snuck up and got me drunk
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Did I show you my penis last night?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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