The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
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