I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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