I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
