I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
