i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
