And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
