Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
