Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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