I haven't been this sober since birth.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
