So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
