i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
