Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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