matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
