On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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