I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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