I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Randomize
