My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
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