We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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