that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Randomize
