So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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