And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I woke up under a house in Key West
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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