And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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