when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
