After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
