I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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