Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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