u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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