pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
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At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
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Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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