Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
