I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
