Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
