just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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